I had one of those moments today, the one that allows you to exhale and trust the process.
I’ve been an anxious mind, wondering how I can make it all happen, how I can show up as the best version of myself and be present for those who matter. It’s hard to show up as yourself as we haven’t truly been taught that way of life; we are taught to show up for everyone else, please them and make life smooth sails. But do you realize that all those symptoms and diagnoses are because you haven’t been living for yourself, your body is screaming for attention and it’s not receiving it properly, instead it’s being ignored like you’ve been taught.
So I’ve been sitting in silence with myself, a lot, asking myself questions, telling myself you’ve got this. It’s fascinating when you realize how much negative talk you give yourself daily without even being consciously aware of it, scary. Take notice of this, start to talk to yourself more, and give yourself some damn credit for what you're doing. You cannot always expect to get this from an outside source, it’s nice at times, but it’s also a powerful tool to learn how to do it for yourself.
Nothing is direct, I'm not 100% sure how I am going to make it all happen, but I know I will because I have placed faith in myself to keep growing, learning, and push deeper into understanding who I am and what I need to make it all work.
Connecting with myself has been messy, many layers have had to be pulled back and they are continuing to be pulled back, but I wouldn't change it for the world. Not everyone is going to enjoy me pulling back these layers and that's okay because it's not my job anymore to please.
Thinking of teaching my children has been a wave of emotions. “I can't be a teacher, I barely passed school myself!” There have been times where I just get so freaking frazzled and say no this isn't going to work. But then days like today, I'm almost in tears because my oldest child is reading words out of a book! Completely proud of her, I was also proud of myself. I know it's a small thing, but it calmed my mind and reassured me that this is possible, anything is possible with the right mindset.
The celebration we did, the praise she needed to hear, and the patience I gave her to get to this point in her work wouldn't have been as heartfelt in a classroom as it would have been coming from mom. I love this journey of growing alongside one another, communicating through the failures, and celebrating the successes. I'm doing more than teaching school work, I'm teaching how to be authentic with yourself, to raise awareness with your surroundings, and to be a damn good human who sees a growth opportunity in every situation that life throws at them.